


Requiem

by AllThosePrettyThings



Category: Take That
Genre: Character Deaths, Creamcakes, Fluff and Angst, GB/RW Pairing, M/M, Mild slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-29
Updated: 2014-08-29
Packaged: 2018-02-15 07:28:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2220657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllThosePrettyThings/pseuds/AllThosePrettyThings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They had each other, they lost each other. They found each other again only for one to then lose the other for what he thought was forever. But like at the end of all great stories they find each other once more, at a funeral no less. Will they finally be reunited forevermore?</p>
<p>Disclaimer: The following is fiction. I don't own the lyrics* included or anything, and it is not based on any person(s) actual life, and any resemblance is purely accidental.<br/>(*see A/N)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Requiem

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Inspired by the lyrics to Requiem, the first track on Gary Barlow’s Since I Saw You Last album, and which was written by both Gary and Robbie Williams. The lyrics to the song are integrated into this one shot (in italics). Please excuse if I’ve got the words wrong or the meaning is taken out of the original context conveyed in the song, as songs are open to individual interpretation and this is mine, plus I had to make it fit as best I could. It involves both Gary and Robbie, although I've not divulged who is who really, although maybe you can kind of guess. Also there is no time frame as to when this is set, which is intentional. All written in the Principle Character's PoV.
> 
> PG-13: Due to the subject matter, and some swearing.

# Requiem

I hear Organ music - sedate, sombre somehow yet inviting.  
‘Wait - where the hell am I?! ‘What’s this?’  
‘Wait...WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!’  
‘...Why, dear god WHY is my name in flowers?! - On top of a shiny mahogany coffin?!’  
‘Is this some kind of a sick joke?!’  
‘This has to be a joke!’  
‘I’m standing right here so it’s not me in there, so what the hell is going on and how did I get here?!’ ‘I don’t remember anything! I don’t even feel like me, I don’t even feel like I’m really here!’  
Panic is rapidly rising through me as I continue to stare at what appears to be my own coffin. I’m so confused...unless - ‘but it can’t be, IT CAN’T BE! Because that would mean I’m...Oh god! NO! I’m not, I’m not, I can’t be! THIS isn’t happening! I’m NOT DEAD!!!’ 

‘...am I?!’

‘Nah, that don’t make sense cause’ if I were REALLY dead, I’d know wouldn’t I – I mean, how could it even happen! I can’t remember a thing!’ But standing here gawping at that coffin, the confusion and panic is starting to fill me with actual terror yet it doesn’t feel real enough, it just feels like I’m having a dream, like I’m just watching this from the outside, like on TV or somethin’.  
‘Maybe that’s it! I must be in a nightmare...the worst nightmare I could ever imagine! It could be that, couldn’t it?! I’ll could just wake up...I mean, eventually I’ve gotta wake up, right?!’  
‘Please, PLEASE be a nightmare’.  
‘I DON’T LIKE THIS’  
‘I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE’  
‘I WANT TO BE HOME!’  
“LET ME GO HOME!!!”

***********  
Wait, there are people around me.  
‘Why didn’t I notice them before?’ But it’s like the scene around me is just now coming into focus! As I scan the faces in front of me I recognise them - I know them all! ...and they all look sad. I try to get their attention, ask them why they’re here, ask them to help me but they don’t hear me. They don’t hear my cries of anguish or my screams of despair even when I’m right in front of their faces - they’re not even looking at me, they’re looking through me, ignoring me.  
‘WHY DON’T YOU SEE ME?!’ I stop. My tearful eyes stop wandering and come to rest on my darling family. It’s something beyond sadness in their faces; they look drained, trapped in their own emptiness and despair...in grief. It tears me up seeing them this way. When I wake up from this nightmare the first thing I’m gonna do is give each of them the biggest hug, I don’t even care if I have to wake them up!  
But the truth hurts and we can’t run away from the truth however much we try. I can’t run away and hide in my own delusions...because I know I’m not waking up...because deep down I know this isn’t a dream. No!  
‘I don’t want to leave them! I can’t leave, I need to stay!’ I plead as I run towards my beautiful loving wife – yet even as I reach out a hand towards her, I see her shiver. I stop in my tracks. She suddenly looks up almost expectantly as if waiting to see someone –  
“Can you see me? Can you feel me here?” I ask her. No. As I stare at her sorrowful eyes glistening with a fresh ever-falling batch of what must be painful tears, her eyes look right through me.  
‘You don’t see me, so you? - Because no one does, because no one can, because I’m not really here am I? ...It’s true, I’m gone - I’m dead’. That truth hits me like a ton of bricks, like someone has punched me so hard that all the air has left me, and it’s numb yet hurts so much at the same time; my heart is in instant agony! I can’t keep looking at the grieving crowd any longer. I turn to the Reverend, inspecting him with suspicion yet in no delusions now, this is my funeral! He looks alright, the Reverend I mean, though I doubt this means anything to him, after all I wasn’t much of the practising worshipper. He won’t know me only what the papers say about me not that I expect that makes much difference to him, he must see this every day after all - he must see it all through these doors; from christenings to marriages, and then of course funerals. He’ll stand there, presiding over it all - the _hatches, matches then dispatches_. The thought makes me smile for a short while, but it soon drops as I begin to ponder...‘Life’, it promises to be an amazingly ride, and I guess mine has, but it goes too quickly, changes direction in a split second, the ups and downs can come upon you so unexpectedly yet you need to savour it all, every moment because like all rides, they never last - and before you know it, there’s only the dreaded last drop at the end! ...  
‘That’s what this is! I’m there now, and it’s my time to get off – but to what, and how?’ It’s not like I haven’t considered what happens when we die, it’s in my nature to think deeply, many say too deeply for my own peace of mind! ...but every time I have, it’s the same fear that makes me stop – the fear that there’s nothing after this life – finding out there’s nothing next, nothing at all!  
‘But there HAS to be!’ - or else why would I be here like this, like some kind of ghost-thing? But what? Do I just stay here, and everything that was me, _all in the embers of my ashes_ stays here too? - or when they do fire up the furnace is that when I go on to somewhere else? ...At least there’s THIS but I don’t know what ‘this’ is... no, there must be something else too, surely! - but what, and where?  
“FUCK!!!”  
‘What’s gonna happen to me?!’ The panic feels me, like real bile rising up in my throat causing a sudden pain in my chest, while a giant shiver courses through my very soul. I struggle to look up, but I do and my eyes fall on a giant stained glass window in front of me. The light shines through it, flooding the room with beautiful colours that dance across every surface. A glass figure stands in the middle of the window, a familiar figure that I admit I have never deeply thought about until this point. My fear turns to anger,  
“NOW WHAT?!” I yell at it as I continue to gaze transfixed, the light hurting my eyes but I refuse to blink in case I miss its answer. I stare, hypnotized with fear and desperation until I can no longer. I eventually collapse and crumble into a helpless heap on the floor. It’s all just too heavy, too soon! I’m stricken with my own grief, crying over the loss of my own life! I can still hear the Reverend mournfully talking about me and my oh-so-exciting life, and I can’t help but roll my eyes.  
‘fuck sake! Why is he bothering bringing all that up?!’  
‘They all knew me, everyone knew me!’  
‘I’ve been fucking famous for most my fucking life! I was a fucking Pop Star, for Christ’s sake!!!’ But I can’t help releasing a sardonic chuckle at that;  
‘for Christ’s sake’  
‘Ha!’  
I look up once more at the figure on the window and sigh...  
“Well _thy will was done_ , eh mate?”  
...But what was it all for?!  
“Please, please tell me, PLEASE! WHAT NOW?! Where do I go?!” I cry, pleading desperately, and still the good reverend’s words to the congregation continue, speaking of resting in peace - but I’m not at peace! I’m sat here freely weeping aloud, and completely terrified the answers to my questions are: nothing, and nowhere!

_“Oh, wipe that worry from your face!”_  
A sudden but very clear, distinct and incredibly familiar voice comes out of nowhere and jolts me like an electric shock! For, I know that voice, I love that voice, I love the owner of that voice!  
“Come now lad, turn to me and look - _you’ll die when you see my new face”_ , the friendly, almost-laughing voice immediately melts through me, instantly warming what was frozen with fear. Yet my heart quickens in shock, in anticipation to follow that voice and turn around. I actually end up spinning around on my knees, desperate to see him, wanting to find him, needing for him to be real! ...and suddenly there he is. There standing before me is my old friend, my ‘brother’, the other half my story, the true other half to my soul. I stare at him, in shock, in disbelief, transfixed by his smiling greenish eyes - so kind, so warm, and so incredibly safe. He simply smiles, a real beautiful loving smile; in fact that same smile I always remembered, the one in my photos, the one in my dreams, the one that belonged to those he loved. I manage to pull myself up to stand there in silent shock and awe, his ethereal form standing just a little distance in front of me. What can only be described as complete serenity, was now bestowed upon his face - he wasn’t kidding, it was definitely a new look! No hint of worry or distress, just a still calmness and a ‘new-found’ peace. Much-welcomed warmth fills me by just seeing his face, and half a second later I’m running to him, quickly cutting the short distance that lay between. The need to touch him, to feel him is so strong; and as I fall into his open arms, I can’t help but cling to him. I find that no matter how unearthly he first appeared to me, he is thankfully warm and substantially solid to touch. I shut my eyes and engulf his heavenly scent – the same scent I never forgot. Oh, how I had missed that scent, missed his touch, missed his hugs! His arms are wrapped around me, holding me just as he always did. Neither of us are in any hurry to break our embrace.  
“It’s okay mate” he gently mumbles. I feel his reassuring hands soothingly rub my back, but I cling tighter into his chest, resting my head down in the crook of his neck trying to ensure every part of me is in contact with every part of him. Fresh tears slip from me, soaking the shoulder of his suit jacket. This time not tears of fear, but of relief. I can still hear the Reverend somewhere in the background as my service continues on regardless; yet I care not! Not now I have this man back! My heart fills with relief and joy at that very thought, for I don’t know how, but I just know everything’s going to be ok – after all, he said so. 

I am resistant but he eventually loosens his own grip on me, gently pushing me a little away from him but maintaining a tight, comforting grip on my arms, his smile dazzles,  
“Now, let me take a proper look at ya, mate!” he says in that soft velvet tone of his, holding me at arm’s length so he can survey my face. I feel a smile gingerly forming on my own mouth and the longer I look at him, the bigger my smile grows! I love this man, I always have, and I’ve missed him, missed him so much. Things haven’t been the same since he left me; I’ve not been the same. As I continue to gaze at him in all his majesty, and in wonder, he places a hand gently at the back of my head softly stroking my cheek with his thumb. His touch feels like silk - warm, and heavenly. He softly pulls my head towards his, bending it ever-so-slightly towards his chin before placing a small loving kiss on my forehead, just below my hair line.  
“It’s ok lad, I’m here now, it’s going to be ok - I promise you”. His voice full of conviction is honey in my grateful ears, and I pull him back into a appreciative tight embrace, releasing a large sigh of relief. I have him. I have him back for good.  
A deep rumble from inside his chest escapes and I realize he’s softly chuckling against my frame, “Come on Mate” his husky northern tones vibrate, “there’s nowt to fret – I know it’s a shock, it was for me too when it happened... it’s time, that’s all! Time is all we have, so it was bound to catch up with us one day, it always does!”  
As a lump builds in my throat once more, a nod is all I can offer in response.  
“The worst part is leaving them all behind, he continues solemnly without my reply, yet knowingly sensing and understanding my painful silence.  
“But ain’t I proof enough that you’ll see them again?! You WILL be with them again someday”.  
I still have no idea what is happening though or will happen to me. I’m scared. He must sense my concern, for his smiling eyes suddenly turn a little sad,  
“I know mate, I know” he softly consoles, “but trust me, it’ll be ok”, smiling once more, his sympathetic but assuring eyes gaze deep into mine. There is truth there, and I know to take him at his word – for his words were always the wisest in my life, and just as I trusted him with my life then, I know I can trust him with my ‘unlife’ now. 

I feel comforted, the fear hasn’t left but the panic has sedated.  
“We’ll be leaving soon”, he simply says matter-of-factly, “It’s a bit of a strange journey but to see it, to be there – mate, it’s literally out of this world” he continues with a wink. But a pressing matter fills my mind, “Is it heaven?” I ask timidly. There, I’ve asked THE question! He doesn’t answer me though; he just looks at me, raises his right eyebrow and smiles, before playfully nudging my chin with his knuckle, gently coaxing out my own timid smile – for suddenly, although I can’t explain how, I know the answer, I just know.  
“How do we get to...you know?” I ask, although I can tell he’s hesitant to tell me details as he sternly responds, “Don’t worry!”, before lightly continuing, “there’ll be a tugging sensation and when you leave here, it will first feel a little weird, but , _do the time_ because the weirdness lasts only a short while, and what replaces it is so, so...well, I can’t describe it, but you’ll feel- ...it, well you’ll love it! And that’s a good thing because to be frank, _you're in for life!_ ”, he lightly jokes before adding, “But I’ll be with you now and always, we’re in this together!” He smiles. Just knowing I will have a companion with me from now onto forever is the biggest relief! I won’t be alone! I hate being alone. I smile at my companion but I notice his eyes have turned more serious as he turns his attention away from me to look out at the mournful congregation; he of course recognises most of them too. I watch his face become suddenly blank with a tinge of darkness; following his line of sight I find his own family sat amongst them. He gazes at them with obvious longing but then suddenly and resolutely averts his eyes, taking on a more stoic look. I look upon him with the highest admiration, knowing I was never as strong, for I could never compartmentalize as he could; for my own gaze lingers on his family, before coming to rest once more on my own family, my eyes swimming with fresh tears. Lost in my own thoughts, the tears slowly cascade down my cheeks in silence, until I hear him unexpectedly clears his throat, stirring me from my reverie,  
“I promise you won’t forget them, not EVER! And you WILL see them again” he says, smiling pointedly at my family, before turning his attention back to me, “But this will be the last time you’ll see them for a while a least, so cherish it mate, and well – let’s just enjoy this, I mean, you’re at YOUR funeral, and it’s all about you! I know how you love that!” he winks at me again. I can’t help but laugh at that, he and I both know I do love to be the centre of attention! He’s right - I should be relishing every moment!

We sit ourselves towards the far side of the congregation; it’s still a good view. Drawing my eyes away from my Loved Ones, I look around; it’s a pretty good turn-out! Some people I haven’t seen for years, some I can’t believe they came - it’s a shame really that I can’t catch up with them all, but that’s life isn’t it? There’s always time, until there isn’t! A few people walk up to the front offering nostalgic titbits, while others refer to my lyrics and verses out of my own songs which makes me cringe a little, but my best mate provides a hilarious eulogy, it was spot on. We were still sitting there, chuckling and reminiscing about our youth, when the Reverend began to lead the congregation to sing the hymn, ‘The Lord is My Shepherd’, with most of those in attendance frantically following the words provided in my funeral programme. I can’t help but chuckle to myself; for the whole thing really is ridiculous: the programmes, the daft hymns, and the abundance of flowers...I mean, it’s typical stuff really but- ‘THIS is how it ends?! Seriously?!’ I walk to the front, standing in aisle way, and decide to try to sing above them, to drown them out -  
 _“Oh my friends I hear you sing, The Lord's My Shepherd - really what a song to sing! And why bring me flowers when you know that I can't smell a thing!”_  
I mildly laugh, as does my companion, muffled from behind a copy of the funeral programme he’s subtly picked up to read without anyone noticing. But my laughter stops when I look over to notice my family barely singing, merely mumbling the words through wobbling lips, and my heart bleeds for them, I want to hold them so much but I can’t, I just hope they’ll be ok, and wish they knew I’m going to be ok,  
“I wish I could get a message to them, you know _for the folks I leave behind_ ,” I say, pointing in the direction of my Loved Ones, my companion lifts his head from the programme and nods knowingly, but offers no comment. Mostly pondering to myself, I continue, “If I could just tell them- you know, ‘guess what! _I'm in heaven, well imagine my surprise!_ ’ ...and reassure them I won’t ever really leave them - just going on ahead, for a while, that’s all.” I sigh. My companion smiles sadly,  
“They know mate, believe me, they know – besides you left a Will right?” he asks.  
“Yes, of course”, I respond, “Although if I’d thought better about it, I’d have added no daft hymns at my funeral please!” I chuckle, “and a message to tell them all _‘I'm really flattered that you came here to remember...and look I made the news again!_ How cool is that!’ They’ve probably already shown a documentary of my life too! Wow! ...’my life’ THIS is the end of my life, the end of my fame, the end of me! When people talk of me it will be in the past tense, I’ll be in the past now. As the words leave my mouth - reality hits and the coldness threatens to creep back in, but with impeccable timing (almost as if he knew what I was thinking) I suddenly feel a strong comforting hand grab my shoulder. I turn and am greeted by a sad but comforting smile,  
“THIS is it, isn’t it?!” I ask him rhetorically, “Permanent retirement _in **Requiem** , with all my friends!_” His strong arms hold me snaking around me, engulfing me in their warmth,  
“I know this isn’t easy lad, I do know” he softly speaks to me, “Christ, I remember my own like it was yesterday! ...well, not that I know how much time’s actually past between then and now bu-”  
“1 year, 5 months, 2 weeks and a day” I interrupt him unexpectedly, “well, at least it was when I last knew what day it was” I continue, and see a surprised look on his face, to which I simply shake my head (he was so oblivious sometimes),  
“It’s not been easy, not at all...in fact it’s been horrible!” I sombrely recall, and watch him nod, his face pensive, “You know, it wasn’t my intention to leave like that” he gingerly offers,  
“I mean, it’s not like I could help it - but for what it’s worth, I’m sorry” he adds, smiling sadly. I simply acknowledge this with a nod. I wasn’t looking for an apology, he’s right – he couldn’t help it but it was nice that he recognized and validated the struggle his leaving had caused his Loved Ones. It had been a tough time. Some days had been worse than others; when given the time to sit and dwell, to feel the loss, the hole he’d left in my life, in my soul – those days were the hardest.  
I knew my Wife should’ve filled that place, she should’ve occupied that whole place in my heart, from the get-go, but in reality, she couldn’t, not entirely, because it had long-been filled by the man now beside me once more. Our two lives had been destined to be entwined, so much so that over the years our respective success/fame somewhat unhealthily co-depended on the other one way or the other, it was the obsession, the addiction, the hidden truth, all caught up in an on-going saga that proved to overshadow us sometimes (no thanks to the media).  
The fractured Bromance of the century, a unique part of pop history - never had there been a story like it! It was a clash of egos at times, a collision of our differences at others; yet for all our dissimilarities, there were deep similarities and understandings, and for all the wrongs we did unto each other in the past, we had righted in more ways than one. There was respect and adulation, acceptance and devotion. Of course, there were also things left unsaid and undiscovered, but nothing would change the comfortable and complete love that had always existed, and would endure always. Could you say we were best friends? I don’t know, maybe not, maybe there was just too much light & shade in our relationship, maybe it was too intense and complicated to simply say best friends, the term just seems too innocuous. We often lived apart at times yet there nearly wasn’t a day that went past where a communication wasn’t shared between us, a few words to let the other know they were in the other’s thoughts, and he was, and he was always in my thoughts; and I hadn’t been right in my heart or head since he passed on. For the first time in my life, I had felt truly alone, my lovely family was around me but there was a missing piece, a missing part in my heart since that day. For, we are part of each other’s existence, never really two separate stories, but one – our life, our music, our story - it was the stuff of legends!  
I hope one that the world will remember us for. 

 

******************  
Time passes, the ceremony continues, but I can’t take it in, my mind is frantic – there are a thousand and one things I need to know. Never one for being subtle or inconspicuous, I turn to my companion;  
“What’s it like after this?!” I blurt out in my impatience, both curious and afraid to hear the answer.  
He looks at me and raises an eyebrow but smiles. I can tell he was expecting the question.  
He closes his eyes and that beautiful serene expression returns, washing over his face like the purist water. The peace his face conveys is hypnotising – I’ve never seen anything like it, not the happiest man alive could have such an expression, but I get the impression no living man ever could. When he eventually parts his lips to speak, it’s through a very different voice somehow, dancing like a whisper on a gentle breeze - soft and light, and I drink in every word like it’s the sweetest nectar,  
“It won’t make sense till you see and can understand, and then it will make the most sense in the world to you. It’s simply...peace. Like a perpetual Sunday Morning, like beach-dozing by the ocean or relaxing beside a bubbling brook; or like a summer walk through a meadow, or one in moonlight; it’s the best audience in the world, the best performance you’ll ever do! Being there, being here - is pure love and understanding, there’s clarity, forgiveness - and _there is no shame here, I feel no loss_. All that was aggrieving and regretted is gone, all that was worrisome and stressful is no more, there is no pain, no uneasiness, no insecurities, and no differences – no matter who you were in life, in death there is no distinction, no discrimination, no one above you, no one below you - _the pawn and king both in the same box!_ And before you ask, no, _no one famous_ \- you’re not who you were, we’re all who we truly are in our very essence, in our souls....” his words end there, and I ask for no more.  
‘What is a soul?!’ –that question however, stays on my lips and it’s joined by others, all threatening to collapse on me like a tidal wave, suffocating me under their weight,  
‘what am I now? - Am I still me?’  
‘What will I do now?’  
‘Why am I still thinking?’  
‘What was it all for?’  
‘What does forever mean?’  
‘Is he even here? Am I?’  
‘How do I know this is happening? - What if this isn’t really happening but I just think it’s happening to help me cope?!’  
I look back at my coffin, and fear once again courses through me. I’m in there, I can feel myself in there and the confined space is coming at me from all sides, there’s something on my chest, and I can’t BREATH!! I need to get out! I’m hyperventilating – ‘I’m actually hyperventilating! – oh GOD!!’ 

But two hands not my own, take a firm hold on each side of my face, dragging my eyes back to his. His warm hands, his calm eyes, his little knowing smile all begin to quieten my mind. There is a hidden chuckle behind his smile, for which I’d be angry at him for making fun of my pain but I can’t, because that smile shines in his eyes and it’s too warm to want to banish away.  
 _“Please don't panic, it looks so tragic”_ he gently jokes, “you’re over-thinking again, and you’ve fallen too deep in them thoughts of yours!”, he continues, “There’s no point in fretting, you can’t change it or go back – there’s no _all switching seats on the Titanic!_ It’s happened, we’re here now, and it’s too late to worry anymore! I promise you’ll soon have all the answers you need, and you’ll be happy and at peace with them all. You’re tired right now, I know I was! I just want to make it easier for you than it was for me – so please, please just accept you’ll have your answers soon, and you WILL be fine!” He finishes sounding a little wearisome, his eyes pleading me to just accept it, and I want to, but I NEED to know! To add more weight to my suspicions that he can somehow read my thoughts, he continues, “I know it’s frustrating, but I simply can’t tell you, you need to see for yourself and you will, but for now you’ll just have to trust me”, he smiles sweetly and strokes my back relaxingly, and against my will I feel his attempts to sooth me into submission are beginning to work – fresh tears fill my eyes, an ache forms deep in my throat, I feel like I’m going to fall, but I know he’s got me, he won’t let me fall. I know to trust him at his word that he’ll get me through this.  
“It’s ok to be afraid”, he continues in an almost whisper, “We’re taught to be afraid of the unknown, but really it should be the thing we least fear!”  
He’s right I know, I am afraid but it’s not just fear of the unknown troubling me, it’s what I’ve lost, _“I'm sad to go_ though...” is all I manage through a increasingly painful croaky throat, the tears falling freely. He holds me, and I surrender deep into his arms,  
“I know you are”, he gently speaks to me, “I’m sad too! Sad for you mate, sad for me, sad for our families! But so we should, and in a weird way we should also cherish it because that sadness won’t follow us on from here - it goes, I don’t know how but it just does, along with your fear. Don’t be afraid anymore, you’ve spent your life being afraid! Just relax now lad, you’ve done a good job!”  
His words melt like butter in my ears, I feel the calmness envelope me and he guides me back to the ceremony, “Come sit with me here, and appreciate THIS now...besides - it’s about to get to the good part!” He finishes and winks. He’s right – this is my last party, the least I can do stop crying!  
 _“Hope you enjoy the show!”_ he leans and whispers in my ear, and I can’t help my small smile.

The ceremony is drawing to a close, I can tell. Looking around there’s quite a few famous faces in the ‘audience’ but I never imagined so many would get up to talk about me and my life - although sentimentality may’ve led some to recollect past events in a more positive light than what they were, but I guess fondness and reminiscencing can lighten even the darkest chapters of someone’s life. Either way, the anecdotes were lovely to hear – who doesn’t like to hear people speak so kindly of them, and I did always love the gratification my life and work afforded, but that was also my weakness! But that of course is neither here nor there now, yet right now just knowing I was loved and would be missed is good enough, and important – It seems I made an impact after all! I do think I’ll be missed by these people even if the rest of the world forgets with time. I wish I could talk to them all, thank them at least....  
“Well, why don’t you?!” I’m asked, interrupting me from my thoughts, and proving once again how much this man can read me like a book. It was something that for many years I resented, not being able to conceal my feelings from him but now I was grateful, “How?!” I ask him incredulously, “They can’t see or hear me and if they could I think they’d be thoroughly freaked out, don’t you?!”  
He raises his right eye brow at me again, “I know they can’t, at least not with their ears – but I promise you they still can with their hearts – just try it, tell them!”  
I look at him sceptically, but his eyes are telling me to trust him.  
“Go on –“ he encourages, and still with uncertainty I look out at them all and find my wife, remembering how for a split second I had thought she could sense me here earlier on, ‘it’s worth a try I guess’!  
The Reverend is no longer talking, as they all sit silently with their heads bowed in thought, in prayer. I take the opportunity to walk out in front of them once more and clear my throat, ‘what the hell! – here it goes...’  
 _“Oh my friends I hear you say a lot of lovely things about me here today - I'm glad you didn't let the truth get in the way. To all my friends I leave behind...they put a spread on so let's all go back to mine! I really love it that you came here to remember - and look we made the news at ten! Don’t worry about me, I’ll be just fine...In **Requiem** with all my friends”._  
I finish, and turn my head to see my companion nod and smile, before he points back at the congregation. The tears threaten to escape my eyes as I follow his gaze back to the crowd, glancing around and to my amazement I finally see it! It’s small and faint, (literally, blink and you’d miss it) but unmistakably, a smile begins to curl at the corners’ of mouths! I look at my family and see the same thing, and sigh – heavily and happily, for it feels like a weight has instantly left me – knowing deep down they know I’m here with them.  
“I love you all, for eternity, and I’ll be right HERE for you, always!” I tell them, and silently, one by one they begin to stand and for a wonderful moment I think they’re going to rush forward to hug me! But instead I watch as they actually turn away from me and begin to shuffle up the aisles, and line by line they trundle out the door, the sorrowful followers now leaving me behind. The service has ended. My eyes are fixed on my family (the only ones left now); they look longingly at my coffin – but only lingering for a moment before it becomes too much for them and they too slip away from me out the door. I see only my Wife is left and will be the next to leave me, so in desperation, I call out to my wife one last time, loud and determined like thunder - to my complete shock she stops in her tracks, and with her back still to me, she simply stands there still. It seems like time is frozen as I stare at the back of her head and silently plead her not to leave me. But there’s nothing I can do, she bows her head, defeated; and I know I’ve lost her as she lovingly whispers her final words to me, “Goodbye my Love”...  
She’s gone. It’s over. It’s then as the realisation hits me that I begin to breakdown. Sobbing without restraint, I grab my heart, practically clawing at my chest for it hurts so much; gathering the material of my shirt between my fingers, I cling to it and choke as I release the cries! I fall, my knees hitting the cold marble flooring. I’m completely devastated, “My life is over!” I continue to cry.

‘How did it come to this?!’ The pain in my chest intensifies and my cries become louder, echoing around the now empty edifice. Just as it begins to become too much to stand and feels like my emotions are threatening to engulf my entire being, I feel his hand on my shoulder; it grabs me strongly, his fingers digging in, as if anchoring, dragging me back to him, back from the darkness. He doesn’t pull me up, instead he joins me on the floor, wrapping his entire body around me - my soul now wrapped in his, and he begins to sing to me. My crying begins to slow, as I listen to the familiar words slowly pulling me back from the brink, calming my heart. I was always struck by his voice, once with envy but mostly with adoration, but I’ve never been so grateful for it as I was now; it was as if he was holding me in his words, soothing me almost into a slumber, like a lullaby. I’m so grateful to him being here with me, I wonder who was here for him.  
Still shaking but now all cried out, he stops singing, but still holds close and securely,  
“I know _this dyin' ain't much of a living no no_ ”, murmurs softly in my ear, “but there’s nowt else for us now, not here at least - yet beyond this, ‘beyond’ is all the possibilities that ever existed and it’s all for us! No more anxieties, no more anguish over choices to be made, it’s all out of our hands now - and _will we want, what we're given heaven knows!_ ” He maintains his hold on me so close that his voice rumbles in my very core. I spin my head to look him deep in his eyes,  
“what is it REALLY like though, please I need to know!” I plead, “Will it be the same as this? - cause’ I think I can handle it if it’s a bit like this, if we still look like us and we can talk and everything but if we’re just nothing, just floating entities –“ I can feel that panic grabbing at my heart again. “Shhhhh...mate, calm yourself I know it’s maddening for ya but there’s nowt else I can tell you, it’s all part of the ‘big reveal’ so to speak! I can only promise you supreme peace - you will be happy lad, and you will be loved. For the rest, well...you will soon see for yourself - it’s close now, I can feel it, can you?” he asks, but I feel nothing, nothing but loss.  
“You need to remember what I told you: you need to make these moments last in your memory because at first it’ll feel like a while before you can come back but with your memories the moments will never leave you and eventually help you in finding your way back again –“  
“So I can come back?!” I ask fervently.  
“Course! – or how do you s’pose I’m here mate?!” he says with a big grin, “You’re be able to pop in now and then but just not straight away ok mate – I don’t know why but them’s the rules, I think it’s to help you get used to it all first...but that’s why you need to make this moment last, take in today and keep it in your heart until you’re ready to come back”.  
I have so many questions about this new knowledge – ‘why, how and where’ but I can’t help but feel my time is getting short now; I haven’t dared look to confirm it but I’m aware the coffin is gone and I’m feeling weirdly detached somehow and yet pulled at the same time. By the now brooding look on my companion’s face, I’m guessing he knows I’m feeling this and that ‘this’ is the feeling he was referring to before...I can tell he’s worried for me and I’m worried too but I can’t think about that right now. I need to shut my eyes, to take in the faces of my loved ones, and the smiles they had on them before today. In my mind I see my friends too, even the Reverend! I see the service, the kind and fun words of the eulogies, and of course the songs - I shake my head at that final thought and smile in spite of it all....

_‘Oh my friends I hear you sing_  
The lord's my shepherd really what a song to sing  
Why bring me flowers when you  
Know that I can't smell a thing  
For the folks I leave behind  
I'm in heaven well imagine my surprise  
I'm really flattered that you came here to remember  
And look I made the news again  
In **Requiem** with all my friends’ 

I’ll hold it complete and in my heart, in my very soul.  
‘...oh, there’s that pull again, it’s getting stronger’. I turn my attention to the one beside me now, holding my hand. I grip to that hand tightly, I can’t help squeezing it hard but he doesn’t seem to mind, I’m just so scared, I know time’s up! This is it...this is the end.  
“But we get to stay together right? You won’t leave me, will you? You said you’d stay with me!” I beg him, not even trying to disguise the urgency and anguish in my voice.  
“...and I will, always lad” he smiles calmly, “I’ve got you now, don’t worry - we’ll stay together...forever mate, forever”.  
I know in my heart I can believe him. There’s nothing left to do but to now let myself go and give in to that trust, I take a deep breath, releasing it slowly, “in that case Captain, I’m ready!” I smile and before I lose my courage (or my mind switches back on) I suddenly lean my face towards his, close my eyes and linger for the smallest of moments before I swiftly decide to bring my lips down on to his. The contact is soft, so soft but instantly electrifying! That kiss - it’s a simple affection but so powerful, I feel instantly more connected to him like we’re bound together in that kiss and a ‘want’ to stay like this forever! The fire awakened in my soul is however replaced with nerves as I stubbornly withdraw my lips from his. The nerves pulse through me. That is until I open my eyes to find him gazing at me and smiling, his eyes twinkling lovingly. He used to often be so difficult to read in life, but in death - no problem! He chuckles softly before tenderly taking my cheek in his palm, his fingers resting by my ear where he gently plays with my earlobe,  
“You know that was pretty brave! After all, you could’ve just made the eternity we’re to spend together, incredibly awkward!” he gently laughs, and lost in his beautiful smile, I do too.  
“I’m so proud of you, you know that don’t you?” he tells me...and I do know that, and what’s more I know he loves me too. 

“Come on - let’s go home mate”, he says with that most beautiful perfectly serene smile of his that takes my breath away, and as he takes my hand and pulls me closer to him, in my heart I know he will never let me go, and I don’t want him to let me go, not ever!  
We look deep in each other eyes which thankfully steadies me as I begin to feel that strange ‘pull’ again, but stronger this time, really strong. I feel like I’m being pulled off the ground now! I hold on tight to him but its okay because I’m strangely not scared anymore, I can’t explain it but with him by my side, I’m calm, I am ready to go now. I’m even excited! I feel finally free to simply let go. My memories and loved ones are safe in my heart and my Captain is here beside me always. I smile and I know it’s a big and true smile...it’s time - “Let’s go!”

 

*****************  
... I am here. I am not alone. I am happy. I am loved.  
 _With all my friends_  
 **Requiem**


End file.
